Responsibility

Where does responsibility lie?

By now, everyone has formed an opinion about the tragic Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, so I won't go into the details about it. It is extremely sad and difficult for many to process. My concern is where our conversations will head next. Hopefully we are all trying to reach the same goal: to protect our children. Maybe we do need to start the discussion. I'm ok with that. Let's let cooler heads prevail and consider that there are more than two sides to every story. There are no perfectly right or wrong ways to deal with this. But keep in mind, there are consequences to any action taken, as well as the absence of action.

So who is responsible for the massacre? The depth of how you answer this question says a lot about your views on government. To me, a libertarian, I believe that the crazy bastard that shot all those kids is responsible. To the democrats out there, it was we the people's responsibility to legislate the lawful purchase of weapons and make it more difficult to for guys like him to obtain the tools to hurt those kids. For the republicans out there, it was the responsibility of each of us to protect each other. Of all those arguments for responsibility, which one seems most logical?

I've had this discussion, on Facebook of course. My point initially was that we can't stop violence, so we need to protect ourselves with equal force. I believe that fully. I argued that point to the end while my opponent's comments were vague and moved from ad hominem to clear sarcasm while never taking a clear stance. Mostly, he was motivated to implement gun controls and made it clear that something had to be done.

But why do we have to do something about guns? Why would we control the only thing that truly means life or death? Proponents of gun control are quick to point out other countries statistics on gun violence. I will counter with the longer history of gun controls being put in place followed by genocide shortly thereafter. How much faith do you have that the good old USA will always be the nation it is today? It is certainly designed to be able to adjust. But it allows for corruption and will without a doubt, eventually fail.

When that time comes, our survival will depend on our ability to protect ourselves. Of all the constitutional rights, the only exit strategy is the right to keep and bear arms. Enter Larkin Rose and a small section from his book How to be a Successful Tyrant.

"One of the main problems that the peasants must be trained not to

deal with themselves is violent conflict. It is imperative that

they view you (and your enforcers) as the only protection against

robbery, assault, and murder. In short, they must be indoctrinated

in such a way that they do not even want to be able to defend

themselves. The reason is simple: if the peasants feel capable and

entitled to “enforce justice” themselves, they might just decide to

enforce a little justice against you. And that obviously won’t do.

They must be trained to give up their belief in their right to

defend themselves, which is not an easy thing to do. You must

attack “peasant justice” in any ways you can think of, such as: 1)

“Vigilante justice can never be as just or fair as our system”; 2)

“You can’t possibly protect yourselves; let us do it”; 3) “If you

have a gun, you’ll only hurt yourself”; 4) “If the peasants were

allowed to use force, there would be chaos”; 5) “Private protection

agencies would just deteriorate into competing gangs of thugs”; and

so on. Often privately-enforced justice is referred to as the

people “taking the law into their own hands,” which reinforces the

idea that only enforcers of “the law” should ever use force, and of

course the lowly peasants can’t be allowed to do that."

Uncanny, is it not? Yet we have those among us who put their faith fully in our government. So much so that they are perfectly willing to submit their only defensive (and arguably offensive) mode of protection. Taking away a persons ability to protect themselves is damning them to be a victim. It is because of our ability to protect ourselves that we can entertain the notion of peace. You know the old saying, "To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace." Our first president said that.

We idolize our founding fathers for their wisdom yet we don't really understand their motives. People will inevitably spin and molest their words to garner support for their side of any argument citing their true intentions. In reality, they were set out to form a long lasting, free and independent, self-governing government. They fought to free themselves from tyrannical rule. They did this with guns. At this time in history, weapon technology was pretty simple. They had black powder and steel balls in varying sizes and both sides had them.

Now it is quite different. Weapon technology has advanced from projectiles to quantum mechanics. We can't have an even fight against the US government. But does that mean we lay down our measly arms because we are out gunned? What are your chances of survival without a weapon? How much better do your chances become if you have one?

The Solution

Ask yourselves this: are our schools under attack? How about our workplaces? Will you allow security guards at banks to use deadly force to protect money? Will you allow the people to use deadly force in their own homes to protect their property? If government dissolves, would you like to have a weapon to protect your interests? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are not for gun control in any way. In fact, you are an advocate for guns and should clear the way for any and all forms of weapons to be legalized.

If our schools and workplaces are under attack, then we need to protect them. You're not going to protect them with paper. There are already too many guns out there to even entertain the notion of a ban. And, I know, nobody wants a ban. Let us try some logic. Say you're a coward sociopath that is dead set on killing people. The motive is irrelevant. Lets say you want to get the most you can out of this endeavour; the more bodies the better. You have no intentions on making it out alive. Hey, schools do not allow anyone to have guns, bet I can empty all my magazines into people before I have to end it all.

What happens then? Well, body counts usually go into double digits. But what happens when someone shoots back? How many lives could be saved? We protect our schools by realizing first that they are battlegrounds. So are our workplaces. It has become commonplace for those who want to commit suicide to take a bunch of people out with themselves. It's sad, but a harsh reality that we will never be free from. If you have your mind set on obtaining a gun, you can have one in no time whatsoever. Even if you make laws to ban them. Even if you make laws to make them harder to obtain through legal channels.

So yes, I say open the flood gates. Let us protect ourselves from this terror in any way we can. Let us fight for our lives and protect our liberty. The status quo isn't doing it anymore. We need less gun control and more personal responsibility for our own welfare. We need to control our surroundings. We need the ability to protect ourselves from government, from criminals, from the insane, and from each other.

Moving On

I was an idiot when I decided to get married at 18 years old while living in my parents house. I was an idiot when my wife and I decided to immediately start a family. I was an idiot when I left the railroad for a job that paid 50% less than what I was making so I could go back to school and get into IT. Bottom line is that I would have been the biggest idiot of all if I had listened to a single one of them.

I have been married for over 11 years with two very beautiful well mannered children. I have a college degree and I am now making 20% more then I made on the stupid railroad. I don't blame the people that didn't support me at the time for their feelings. I'm not bitter about anything they said to me or the opinions they had of me. I would imagine that their own inhibitions and self doubt feuled these feelings. It's possible that they made mistakes in the past, took risks and lost, or most likely underestimated my resolve.

The thin line between confidence and arrogence is where I spend most of my time. I have found that some people absolutely despise one or the other or both. But more often than not, people flock to those that have it. I can't stand arrogence and I'm sure that that is probably the most hated of the two. In my opinion arrogence is confidence with a heavy dose of asshole. The line between them confidence and arrogence is very delicate in that you need just the right amount of asshole. Too little and you're considered a pushover. Too much and you will be hated. With just the right amount, you will be loved.

All of this has taken me to a new stage in my life. My kids are getting older and more like little adults and we are starting to accumulate debt we can afford like most other red blooded Americans. I started a new job with a big company doing exactly what I wanted to do on the 23rd of August, 2010. My wife is moving along well in her Bachelor's degree program and should have that complete by this May. After that she's going on for her Nurse Practitioner and I can't wait.

This time, nobody gave me shit for moving away or the decisions that Val and I have been making lately. You know why? Because I get shit done and everyone knows it. Val gets shit done and everyone knows it. I'm calling it here... I'll be within an hour drive of the ocean in 10 years. That's my goal. Watch me.

Well, I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I trusted someone to understand my goals and help me make decisions about my future. Its not that they were intentionally stifling the progress of my education and career that aggravates me, its that they were either too stupid or too naive to realize how damaging their idiotic programs are. Let me lay it out this way:

If you want to get a bachelors of arts or science degree, or any other bachelors degree for that matter, you have to go talk to the university that you want to go to before you talk to the retarded community college. If you don't you will come to the end of your associates of applied science degree and find out that it doesn't do a damn thing to count toward the degree that you wanted in the first place. Noooo, not at all. So now, before graduating and taking a degree that might as well have been printed on toilet paper, I have to think about the classes that I need to take this spring. Not to mention the classes I need to take next fall. Oh, and I forgot to mention the classes I need to take the following spring. All three semesters of classes will be needed to be able to enter the program I wanted to go after and have been killing myself for two years to get to.

The mistake wasn't the community colleges, it was mine. I didn't do the research, I didn't look into the transfer requirements, and I didn't understand at the time the difference. I made the mistake of thinking that people working for a college, who have also been to college to get a higher level degree, would understand that when I say that my goal is this:

Get my CCNA
Get my associates degree (AAS, AS, AA not specified, my fault I guess)
Transfer to a university for my bachelors degree (Again, not specified)

I guess that third one is the one that pisses me off the most. Apparently someone has been feeding the community colleges in this area with bad information, or more likely, the community colleges in this area are literally stealing from students and hoping they won't realize it (like me). Do this, just try to go to http://www.eicc.edu and try to find the computer science degree program. Try to find any academic program and the requirements for them. It's there, but you won't find it easily. Now, follow any links you can to find a computer program. That will be much easier. What you'll notice is that they are pimping they're own curriculum for what THEY think is relevant to you're applied science degree. No other university, community college, or trade school on the planet will think that your degree is worth a crap.

I'm actually done writing this now. I can't tell you how much I hate this college. They have stolen thousands of dollars and at least 18 months of my life. Time I can't get back. Time that I have had to ignore my friends, my family, and my kids. Do yourself a favor and think about where you ultimately want to be. If you just want a silly piece of paper, talk to a community college first. If you want a degree that you can actually use to secure employment, talk to anyone but a community college.

It's been a long two years

I can't tell you how unmotivated I've been lately as it pertains to my school work. I have to admit, it's starting to get the best of me. I don't have much to do in my classes, but the fact that my time is not my own is really getting old. I feel guilty when my nose isn't buried in some book. Hell, even venting here seems odd considering the homework that's piling up. I know what I have to do, and since this is my last semester before I get my A.A.S, it's time to buckle down...

I have less than seven weeks until it's over. Then I get eight months off before going half-time to a university for my B.A.S. That should be an easier pace than my full and a half-time schedule now while being married to my job. I have to say though, its going to be an enormous accomplishment for me. I have never followed through with something like this in my life, other than my marriage, which I believe is the single greatest accomplishment I will ever have (11 years this March!!).

Still, I feel like a prisoner. I don't do well in situations where I'm obligated to force myself to do things I don't want to do. You would not believe the amount of stupid trivial things can easily tear your mind away from what must be done when your desire to do them is at a minimum.

I do have a bit of good news though. My brother Jason will be leaving for L.A. on Friday to meet with a bunch of Record Labels. He is the most talented person I know and if anyone in this world can do it, he can. I'm super proud of him and I wish him the best of luck. Hopefully he'll remember me when he's on the top and slip me some nosebleed tickets one day. Talent didn't hit on my side of the family tree, I have to work at everything I'm good at.

Here's to you Jason! No matter what happens, you still make me proud to be your brother!

its been a while

I know that it has been a while since i've updated my blog, but the latter half of my classes got kind of... well, difficult. I finally got my first B in psychology because of an oversight on my part. Oh well, it was bound to happen. Now i have to stare at a 3.98gpa instead of a 4.0 and while it kinda bothers me, it really takes off the pressure of me thinking i have to have perfect grades.

I also enrolled in a summer class. /sigh But if I didn't do the class this summer, i would either have to take 20credits this fall, or go another semester. I'm not down with that, so I'll sacrifice my summer.

Well, i'll try to keep updating, especially with how my vacation to North Carolina went. It'll b my first time for a lot of things:
1. Flying commercially
2. Renting a car
3. Seeing the ocean
4. Worrying about being eaten by a large fish with sharp teeth

Look back around the middle of July. You'll see my review of the eastern part of the country.

Later...

Seriously, what do you do all day?

                I sit in my office, which is about the size of a large closet, surrounded by technology that at one point in time used to be cutting edge. While their monetary value has since been eroded by newer and more sophisticated products, their functions are invaluable to me. While I am not without newer technology, I find it difficult to dispose of something that isn’t broken. The funny thing is, even if something does break, I still find it difficult to get rid of it. About sixty percent of my waking moments are spent in my office and the other forty is spent at work where I am surrounded by millions of dollars of technology. Needless to say, I am a geek and this is my lab.

                Behind me and to my left, roughly about seven o’clock rests a printa-saurus from the mid nineties. Its style resembles that of a cinderblock and the weight of it bows the pressed wood bookshelf to near collapse. The bookshelf wasn’t designed to hold so much weight but I commend it for its endurance, and until it fails, I see no need for intervention. The two shelves below my vintage printer hold more relics of the past. Hundreds of CD-R’s that remain un-indexed and full of information, long forgotten by their creator, are arranged like buildings in downtown Chicago. The only difference, really, is that Chicago has better food.

                Moving on to eight o’clock, there stands a small filing cabinet. I had good intentions when purchasing this hunk of tin, but it seems that you need to have a filing system in order for it to function efficiently. It is full of very useful manila file folders as well as tons of important documents. The filing system that I went with was: put the folders in the top drawer and stack the important documents in the shape of a mountain in the bottom drawer. For some reason, I can never find what I’m looking for; even though I’m sure that this is the whole point of a filing cabinet.

                Next, we have nine and ten o’clock. Two non-functioning printa-sauruses, identical to the one at seven o’clock, are stacked neatly awaiting my precious time. When I eventually find the time, they will once again continuously jam and suck the life out of someone I love. Now, behind these Jurassic-era devices hides something resembling a storage area. This area actually holds every piece of computer equipment that I have ever owned. Old cases, power supplies, wires, cables, and components are organized by where they would fit. You actually risk your life when opening the door. I told my kids that this is where the monsters sleep, and if the monsters know that they know where the monsters are sleeping, then the monsters will have to take slumber under their beds. My kids stay out of there.

                At eleven, twelve, and one o’clock sit four keyboards, three mice, and five computer monitors. I like to call this the Nebercanezzer from the movie “The Matrix”. Two laptops, one desktop, and one production server create the soothing sound of a harrier jet taking off vertically. The smell of hot electronics fills the air and pure sunlight beams from each screen, LED, and optical mouse. I find that it is optional to turn on the overhead light for two reasons: first, I could use the power savings on my electrical bill; and second, with all of these computers, who needs anything on paper?

                Finally, and most importantly, at four o’clock, I have my Bunn coffee maker. This machine makes coffee in less than three minutes and is the main source of power that enables my lab to function. It operates a mere two times a day, but releases enough energy to keep things functioning for up to eighteen hours. Without it, all systems would fail and catastrophe would ensue. While I sit back in my severely used, broken down desk chair that uses an old pillow to replace the cushion that wore away over the past five years, I come to the realization that I am, in fact, a geek. I’m not at all surprised with this realization because I have suspected it for years. (The real surprise is that I find it extremely difficult to keep my ten point writing exercises, which require a minimum of 100 words, limited to a few short paragraphs. Whoever said that English classes were easy needs to be shot.)

To Know is To Live

To Know is To Live

Written By: Joshua J. Wold

Five years ago, I found myself wandering through life with no direction, ambition, or even feeling. Just like most people, I was working hard for a living and helping to raise a young family. The only difference between most people and me was that I wasn’t sure who I was. For all my life, I knew that I didn’t fit the standard mold and I sincerely thought that I was destined to be a failure. I dropped out of high school at seventeen because I felt that I was being given busy work; I already knew what they were teaching, and I didn’t feel that I needed to prove it to them. It used to aggravate my teachers because I would ace their tests and still fail their class because I wouldn’t do the homework. Later in life, I found it almost impossible to get out of bed every morning. If it weren’t for the personal advice from a person whom I have never met, I am fairly confident that this composition would never have been written.

                I started working for the railroad in early 1999 about a month after I got married. At 19 years old with a new wife and the best paying job I had ever worked, I felt pretty good about myself. I got to operate huge pieces of machinery and I worked myself into the best shape I had ever been. But, just like everything in my life, I found a reason why I didn’t like it. The second I lost interest in it, which only took 10 months, I began showing up late and calling in sick quite frequently. Unsurprisingly, I was placed on suspension without pay for three weeks because of my poor attendance, and I am pretty sure that my attitude played a significant role in such a harsh penalty. Considering that my wife and I had our first child during my initial tour on the railroad, and he was only two months old, I had no other option than to quit and find another job.

                After bouncing around to a ton of different construction companies and warehouses, my old boss from the railroad called and offered me a job. He informed me that it was a new railroad and the record of my past employment went out with the old company. It paid more than the job that I had, so I decided to give it another shot. This time it took less than 6 months to put that bitter taste back in my mouth, but this time around, I had to make it work out for the sake of my family. I remember thinking that the burden of my incompetency should not weigh on them. After 2 years of breaking my back and being one with the elements, I slipped into a deep depression. I felt black as night and everything in my life took a back seat to the hell that was my life. You see, I believed that I would be stuck working there forever because I lacked something that may be taken for granted by some people. It’s something that cannot be taught or acquired; something that can’t be bought or sold.

                It was during this time in my life that my wife began her educational journey with the goal of becoming a nurse. Coincidentally, she was taking a psychology class and suggested that I go see a doctor about my depression. It took quite a bit of convincing on her part, but I finally saw things her way. Anxiety overwhelmed me while I sat in the examination room waiting to see my doctor. When he entered the room, I began to get a lump in my throat and I could feel my eyes flooding with tears. I found myself in that familiar place where I didn't want anyone to see my vulnerability. I resisted the temptation to break down and then proceeded to enlighten the doctor of my symptoms; like how I would go straight to sleep after work, how most of the time I never ate dinner, and that in my own mind, I linked the misery of my life to all of my prior failures. He decided to put me on medication to help me out of the darkness and he explained to me that while it would not remedy the root cause of my depression, it could help me in coping with day to day life. The medicine did exactly what he said it would. The only problem I had with it was that it stripped me of all feeling and emotion. Ultimately, I found that being medicated to the point of numbness was not the solution I'd hoped it could be. 

                After a few weeks of medicinal treatment, my wife recognized that my condition was not merely a chemical imbalance in my brain; rather, there was something in my life that needed deeper investigation. Fearful for my life, she decided to talk with her psychology instructor about my perilous situation. She explained to her instructor that I felt like a failure, that when I had an interest in something, my interest was only fleeting and that it was destined to be left undone and unaccomplished only to be replaced by something else that caught my attention. That I just didn’t understand why I was such a failure and couldn't be like everyone else. The instructor handed her a book and told her that this particular book played a major role in why she chose to go into psychology. She told her that maybe this book could shed some light on the darkness that had enveloped my life. My wife called me on her way home and told me that her instructor had given her a book for me to read and I figured that whatever it was, it was stupid psycho-babble and immediately closed off to the idea of reading it. When she arrived and stepped through the front door, she explained to me that the title may seem a little feminine, but to at least give it a shot. “Please Understand Me” read the title. The lump returned to my throat, and again, my eyes pooled with tears. I felt that this title could have been the thesis of my entire life.

                I found out that I am representative of less than five percent of the population of this planet, that I process information differently than most people, and that I must find my own way to do things. I found that I have an uncommon need to rationalize things and I quickly dismiss anything that I deem irrational. I had been given a guidebook to my thought process and a personalized instruction booklet on how I could succeed in life. But most of all, I had been freed from the prison of my own mind. Never again would I feel shameful for the decisions I make. I spent days pouring over this book and analyzing it from every direction that I could think of. I also found that this copy was only the first edition and that another book named “Please Understand Me II” was written and I quickly ran out to buy that one. I couldn’t get enough of what the book was doing to me. In a matter of two weeks I had experienced every emotion known to man, where just prior to the book, I had experienced only void. I had tasted tears of happiness and relief, felt confidence and ambition rush through my veins, and for the first time in my life, I knew who I was. From this point on, my life would never be the same.

                Perhaps if I could have been given this book to read and figure myself out when I was 15, I could have finished high school and taken my life in a different direction; however, I don’t think that it would have produced the same results. In fact, I am happy that I was able to experience those moments when I was down because I believe that they enhanced these massive effects of my revelations. And, from this point forward, it will be a life well worth living. Whether it was fate or coincidence that this book came to my possession, I will never know; however, what I do know is that my experience with it allowed me to do something that I thought I could never do. It allowed me to recognize what I was interested in and ultimately gave me the courage and confidence to quit a $50,000 a year job for a $26,000 a year job so that I could pursue an education.

                Years later, I still carry that book around with me; although, I rarely get it out to read it.  It stays with me to remind me of who I am and to remind me of where I once was. My gratitude in this situation lies with my wife for caring about me so much that she would do something so out of the ordinary by talking about her personal life with a relative stranger. Because of her love for me, I now have more determination and focus than I could have ever imagined. And now, as I struggle to make it through every day, it is a struggle I embrace. I now choose to make my life more complicated and difficult by, in most peoples' opinion, setting un-realistic goals; however, the knowledge of who I am and what I am capable of is limited only by hours in the day. What I know about me now can never be removed and I will continue to push myself to the limit until God Himself strikes me down.